Heaven or Maybe Hell
by Haley J. The Bat
Summary: 1x17 Veronica comes home to find a drunk Logan waiting for her.


**Title**: Heaven or Maybe Hell  
**Author**: Haley J. The Bat  
**Pairing**: Logan/Veronica  
**Word Count**: 2,687  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Summary**: Veronica comes home to find a drunk Logan waiting for her.  
**Spoilers/Warnings**: Takes place during 1x17. Angst galore.

* * *

Veronica knew that despite the fact that her dad was pretty lenient on her curfew, she was going to be the victim of a few lectures once she went inside. Unless, of course, Keith was already asleep. Veronica was hanging onto that vague thread of hope as she got out of the Le Baron and walked slowly into the courtyard. 

It had been hell convincing all of the partygoers that Sabrina's house wasn't hosting the party of the century. Veronica had wanted to leave a lot earlier, but Sabrina had convinced her to stay with a promise of a bigger paycheck. What with recently spending her college money and having to pay for Amelia's hotel room, Veronica just couldn't say no to extra cash.

Veronica noticed a dark figure on one of the lounging chairs by the pool. She knew she should have just ignored it, walked past the person, and gone to bed without another thought. But that wasn't like her at all.

"Hello?" Veronica asked softly, cautiously stepping forward and hoping that it would just be one of her neighbors out for a little peace and quiet.

"Ungh…" the figure (now identified as a man) groaned and turned over slightly.

Veronica's eyes narrowed suspiciously as she moved forward, but it was only when she caught sight of the silver flask that her suspicions were confirmed. "Logan!"

Logan jerked upwards and looked around in confusion. When he spotted Veronica, he smiled easily and tilted his flask out for a toast. "Oh. Hey, Veronica."

Veronica crossed her arms and watched as he drained the last of it and then shook it to make sure he hadn't missed any. "What are you doing here? And now?" she demanded.

Logan just shrugged with an aggravating smirk. "I don't remember."

Veronica sighed in annoyance. One part of her knew that she shouldn't be so hard on him; he had just lost his mother after all. But she was tired and irritated. "Come on. You can sleep on my couch tonight."

Logan shook his head. "I don't want to sleep on your couch. I don't need any favors," he spat.

"Oh, great," Veronica breathed. "You're planning on being difficult tonight."

"Am I not usually difficult?" Logan cast her a puzzled look.

"Just come on," Veronica insisted, stepping forward and grabbing hold of his jacket.

Logan leapt to his feet and jerked his arm away from her. "No! I didn't come here for you to take care of me. I can take care of myself."

"Well, you're not doing a very good job. And keep your voice down! Normal people are asleep at this hour."

"Fine. Sorry," Logan whispered mockingly.

They stood still for a moment, just staring at each other, and Veronica finally gave up. She was tired, and she didn't have the patience for Logan on most days. With a frustrated exhale she turned and started towards the stairs.

"Wait. Wait."

When Veronica turned around, Logan had a hand on his forehead and was looking down at the ground. "If thinking is that painful, you don't have to do it. You never made such a habit of it before," Veronica suggested.

"Ha ha. You're too funny, Mars." Logan looked up with a smirk. "I… God, I don't even know. Forget it."

But Veronica's curiosity was finally aroused, and she grabbed his arm as he tried to leave. "What? Just tell me."

Logan went back to the lounging chair and sat down in defeat. "I just wanted to tell you… that I'm…" And then he mumbled something that Veronica couldn't understand.

"Speak a little louder please."

He mumbled it again.

"I don't have time for this. What are you-"

"I'm sorry, okay?" Logan shouted, his voice echoing against the sides of the building.

Veronica couldn't help being shocked. She stood still, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, for a good minute or two. Hearing Logan say he was sorry, no matter what it was he was talking about, was huge. She pulled a deck chair closer to him and hoped she wouldn't wake anyone up with it scraping across the cement.

"Sorry about what?" she asked quietly.

Logan laughed humorlessly and picked up his flask again, obviously hoping that more liquor might magically appear. "About everything. What have I ever done to you that didn't require an apology?"

Veronica didn't have a reply for that because it was true. Most of her memories of Logan were of him being an asshole. "You never struck me as the apologetic type."

"I'm not. Usually." Logan looked up at her with dark, glittering eyes. "I'm drunk."

"That's nothing new for you."

"Yeah, but this time I'm drunk with a purpose." Logan sighed and let the flask drop beside him before folding his hands and looking down at them intently.

"And your purpose was to… apologize?" Veronica asked doubtfully. She watched as he nodded, only the top of his head visible. Most people would have been filled with gratitude at this point, but Veronica wasn't most people. Her favorite defense mechanism – anger – kicked in. "Why now? Why do you think you can come and apologize to me now?"

"Because I didn't know I needed to apologize until today," Logan explained.

"You didn't think you needed to apologize?" Veronica repeated, not caring how loud her voice was becoming. "You have been nothing but cruel and heartless to me every single day for as long as I can remember. And you didn't think you had anything to apologize for?"

"No, stop," Logan said weakly, finally looking up with glazed over eyes indicating his level of drunkenness. "Don't be mad."

"Oh, now I'm convinced. If you say you're sorry and to not be mad, maybe I'd better forget about all the times I fell asleep crying because of something you said. About all the times I couldn't help but remember the good things about you and the way you were before Lilly died. I can forget about how you turned your back on me at the hardest point in my life and then took out a knife and twisted it into my gut." Veronica paused for a second to take in a few angry breaths. "If you say I shouldn't be mad, then by golly, I guess I shouldn't."

Another few seconds passed, and she was surprised that he hadn't retaliated yet. A part of her wanted to get into an angry fight with him. She wanted him to be mean to her again, because that was what she'd used to build her defenses up. As much as she hurt from all of the things Logan had done to her, she knew she wouldn't be as strong a person today if he hadn't helped her. His coming here now, to apologize, was wrecking the support system keeping her together. If he apologized and he truly meant it, then what did that mean for her?

"You see, this is why I had to get drunk before I came here," Logan said knowingly.

"You're a coward. That's why you had to get drunk," Veronica hissed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am a coward." Logan was biting his lip when he looked up at her, one hand rubbing his neck nervously. "But I also knew how bad the damage was."

That look of sincerity in his eyes was almost enough to make her cry. Veronica looked away quickly, instead focusing on the hard lines in the cement.

"I've been a dick. I know it. But until today, I told myself that you deserved it. Whenever I saw tears in your eyes, I beat my guilt back inside of me because I thought you deserved it."

That statement caused tears to spring to her eyes right then, and she didn't bother to wipe them away as she looked at him. "What did I ever do to you? What could I ever have done to deserve you treating me that way?" She gasped and fisted her hand over her heart as if trying to keep the pain from spilling out and suffocating her.

"You chose your dad over Lilly," Logan said with a slight shrug.

Veronica almost laughed. It always had to come back to that, didn't it? Why hadn't anyone understood why she had stuck with her father? Why should she have chosen the '09ers over the man who loved and cared for her? What right did they have to think they were more important?

"At least that's what I always thought," Logan said quickly. "I tried to tell myself that you didn't really love Lilly. You were her friend because of Duncan, and you were with Duncan because of his daddy's wallet."

"God! Did you know me at all?"

"No, I didn't. When Lilly died, I forget everything. I forgot how to live! And I tried so hard to remember, but nothing was ever the same again. Everything I'd thought had been real was suddenly fake. And when you turned your back on me, when I'd thought we were friends, I realized the truth. You never cared about any of us." Logan's voice was getting grittier with each word, digging into her and leaving open wounds that her tears were dripping into.

How could he have thought she turned her back on him when he had been the one to turn on her? They had been close once. Close enough to hug and cry together. Close enough to remember Lilly and comfort each other when it hurt too much. Close enough to grow closer with the death of someone they'd both loved. Even if Duncan hadn't come around, Veronica had always thought she would have Logan to grieve with.

"I still thought that, y'know?" Logan said with another of his famously unfunny laughs. "Even when I came to you for help with my mom, I still thought you were a cold hearted bitch." He shook his head at his own audacity. "But today when I found those files…"

Veronica remembered with clarity the way he'd looked at her in the office that afternoon. It had been different; why hadn't she noticed until now? He'd looked at her as if he was seeing her for the first time, but she'd been too scared of his reaction to notice.

"I thought it was a sick joke at first," he admitted. "I thought you were just as crazy as your dad."

"My dad's not-" Veronica began but stopped short when he held up his hand to silence her.

"And then you said her name." Logan wiped his eye suddenly, and Veronica dared to wonder if he had started crying, too. "And when you said you loved her, suddenly all of my memories were given back to me. I remembered the way you smiled and laughed. I remembered the way you looked at Lilly, like she was your idol. I remembered the way Lilly treated you, like you were her child, something to take care of. I remembered how you used to punch my arm when I pretended to hit on you. And how you tried to console me when Lilly and I were on an off week. I remembered how you had been my friend and Lilly's friend. I remembered that I used to love you, and you used to love me, and we both used to love Lilly."

Logan's hand made a fist, and he dropped his forehead onto it as he finally started to cry. "I'm so sorry, Veronica, for ever doubting you."

It wasn't okay, so Veronica didn't lie to him and tell him so. But she did move to sit next to him and put her arm around him. He collapsed against her much like he had in the hotel lobby last weekend. Only this time instead of being impassive, Veronica buried her head in his hair and cried, too.

Although the next moment was a defining one in Veronica's life, she didn't think once throughout it all. Instead she just laid her head on Logan's and cried out every sad feeling she'd ever had. But this time when she cried, Logan was crying too. It was exactly as it should have been after Lilly died. This was what Veronica had wanted when she was watching her best friend being buried. She had wanted more than just Keith's comfort. Keith hadn't truly known Lilly and therefore couldn't truly know her pain. But Logan… Logan knew everything. Logan had been a part of everything, and he'd been hurting just as much. Only now they were together, and that meant that maybe they could heal.

When Veronica came to, she had a pounding headache, and her eyes felt dry and irritated. But Logan and she were lying next to each other on the chair, both close to falling off, and that made up for it all. She caught his dark eyes with her own, and she felt fascination creep up her spine. Who was this boy, really? And better yet, what could he mean to her? She felt like she didn't know any answers, but it was all right because she knew that they would be good answers once she had them figured out.

"I think that hell just froze over," Logan murmured as he tenderly brushed her cheek with his finger.

"Or maybe heaven was lit on fire," Veronica suggested.

"That seems more likely." Logan's lips turned upwards as he studied her eyes. His were glittering and warm and filled with comfort.

"Come on," Veronica whispered and sat up. "You can crash on the couch."

Logan nodded. "Okay," he murmured and followed her willingly up the stairs and into her apartment.

At this point Veronica knew her father would definitely be asleep; even if he had tried to stay up for her, he wouldn't have made it this far. So Veronica tiptoed around the apartment to find sheets and pillows for Logan to use.

Logan came back from the bathroom with a wet face and tired eyes. They stood awkwardly facing each other, and Veronica thought that their emotional breakdown was just as uncomfortable as a million one night stands rolled into one. It was almost unnatural to have finally broken down the wall between them. Now what was left to protect her?

Logan reached out for her hands and squeezed them gently. "I won't hurt you again. I promise," he whispered with sincerity.

"I know," Veronica whispered back. She tiptoed up to kiss the corner of his mouth, and when she pulled away and saw his eyes, she knew that he wanted to kiss her full on the lips. But he wouldn't. Not now. Veronica smiled even though it didn't reach her eyes and pulled her hands away. "Good night. I'll see you in the morning."

"Yeah," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck and turning towards the couch. "Thanks for all this."

"No problem."

Veronica had her arms huddled around herself as she went into her bedroom and shut the door. She leaned back against it, and a few last tears made their way down her cheeks. It hurt to feel this close to someone again even though it was all she'd wanted a year and a half ago. She remembered the way he'd promised not to hurt her, but she couldn't find herself touched deeply. The truth was, she still doubted him. It was impossible for them to work out their issues in one night. Something wasn't right here. It was too fast and too soon and it hurt.

She shuddered at the heavy feeling in her heart. She was too happy, too sad, too hopeful, and too paranoid. It brought no surprise that as soon as her head hit the pillow, she fell into an exhausted sleep.

It wouldn't surprise her either in the morning when she would find Logan had left before she woke. Obviously he had been overwhelmed by what happened, too.

Maybe the wall between them had been demolished, but that didn't mean that they could go back to being friends. At least not yet. Not right away. It was oddly comforting that he knew that, too.

**The End **


End file.
